Lost Friends

Rest in peace Richard Earl Dade. So as I go through life I have had to remove myself for reasons of survival and sanity from situations and groups of people. Unfortunately some very close and very needed and wanted relationships have been lost. I always told myself oh I'll look them up someday we'll get back together for old times sake. Well those times don't happen next thing you know you are reading an obituary. Kicking myself in the ass and crying my eyes out. I loved this guy and he knew it but I didn't make the time or take the effort to stay connected. Now it's too late and I even missed the funeral. There was a time when this guy Rich saved me from despair and gave me family. I can't say too much more cause tears are clouding my vision.

MISS YOU OLD FRIEND

Back At It

OK it's been a long time since I wrote on this blog and I know it may be just futile and unnoticed. Anyway I still have a lot to say and have just been holding it in and hiding from the truth and at the same time isolating myself. At times I get scared of how I seem so disconnectted from everyone and everything it doesn't feel right. I have been through a lot of therapy, read so many self help books, been in groups and I still can't get it right. I some how let relationships just die on the vine and just get more and more distant. Then sometimes especially with my dear wife I actually sabotage our closeness. This is the one that really kills me, Mary is my only close friend and I seem to over and over screw up our marriage. I am also distant from my 2 older sons from a previous realationship that I had at a very young age. So that keeps me from being close to my grandkids. So the snowball gets bigger as it rolls ever faster down that never ending hill. OUCH I hurt and I am not alright with it. So I am back actively working on my character defects and am reaching out of my box to make some dramatic changes. Let's see how it goes, maybe that means journaling and blogging on a regular basis. Also reaching out to make contact with the people I have always cared about but have lost close touch with and right hear at home with Mary I love her dearly and want her to be happy. I know I must learn to be positive, content and happy inside myself before I can be a happy part of her life. Love Ya All

One More Time and One More Year

I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THE SAME!!!!! I AM BORED AND TIRED!!!!!  HELP HELP HELP !!!!!!

Do I Really Want Everyone To Know What I'm Thinking?

A big title for a small question. Am I going to be totally transparent and let it all hang out there, or what?
This is not as easy as it should be and the over riding reality of not hurting others by expressing your base instincts and unfiltered thoughts and feelings can stop you in your tracks. I sometimes feel compelled to just say or do what is right there on top of my head and then I must stop and ask is this kind and productive or mean and destructive. So the filtering begins and the questioning and second guessing and the shutting off for fear of negative repercussions. Ouch, am I really me or a watered down version of what I think people want me to be? It is my unhealthy judgement of myself and all others and situations and everything that gets me in trouble. It is the wrong thought patterns and a snowball effect or worse a run away freight train. It is so true "we are what we think" and allowing uncontrolled thoughts to run and ruin your life is hell here on earth. No need for thought police but a deep need for inner peace.

Love Ya All Dave

Oh Yeah I Get It.

Thank you all oh so very much for the reality check.

New Year - New Mind

Once again another year has past and I feel like I have not advanced as much as I think I should. In the coming year I plan to think differently. I am tired of thinking small and getting small results. The person I am meant to be is still hiding inside. So no more of the cry baby stuff and none of the putting things off or worring too much about what people think of me. I am out to get where I am suppose to be, but I must remember the journey is the reward, enjoy the trip or it's not worth doing. Anyway Happy New Year I love ya all.

Back From SoCal

Just got back from Southern California and I have to tell you I am glad to be back. It is just gorgous along the coast but you go inland and it just sucks, way too crowded, too much traffic and dirty. From Hunnington Beach to San Diego is very beautiful some very upscale areas like Newport Beach and then there are some smaller funky and very cool little beach towns. I could see hanging out somewhere down in there if I didn't have to go inland to LA. Anyway I will always love the SF Bay Area the city is just so different then LA and the weather is cooler and so are the people. I know I'm not the first person to say these things and I don't want to run down LA but the culture is much different. Just some thoughts and now back to work after a long weekend.

See Ya Dave