Forced Change

So it seems I only write on this site when a problem arises. I was let go at my job of 11 years they used up all they could from me and decided it was time to change. I should have been the one to leave quite a while ago. I have been seriously fed up with the way things had been going at the company for a long long time. It was 11 years to the day 9/11/2001 to 9/11/2012 that I was with that company. I gave them a chunk of my life and got no more than a pay check out of it all. Now the forced change, it seems I always need an extra boot in the ass to make the changes I really want and need to make. This is surely one of those times again. This is probably the best thing to happen in a long time and I am going to take this opportunity to step it up and be who I really am. Convulsions of life the uncertainty and mystery we are all along for the ride.

Puppies Make Life Worth Living

I had forgotten how something as simple as our dear Shasta having puppies could bring me so much joy. The  
day to day moments the little things that make life worth living are happening all around us all the time. For some reason it seems I just don't notice most of it and that is surely unfortunate. Anyway I am going to be aware and live the moments and do my best to not let them slip between my fingers. It's never too late.

Love Ya Dave

The Other Side

So after losing an old friend the question comes up as to what is on the " Other Side"? I guess your perception of this would be directly related to your religion or lack there of. I vacillate between my own interpretation of faith and the dogma delivered to us by others seeking power over us. I identify as Christian and I believe Christ teaching but I have a different way of understanding what I am hearing and reading. I very much believe God and Christ wanted and required each of us to use all the critical thinking skill we were given to wade through all the man made miss information fed to us. It all come back to God and Christ being LOVE and Christ saying the only way to heaven ( collective conscience ) is through him LOVE. The way I see it and understand it is that we are each a part of everything and that God is everything and if God is LOVE the only way for us to connect to God is through LOVE. The first 2 commandment in the Bible, 1) LOVE God with all your heart, 2) LOVE your neighbor as yourself. Need I say more? The Bible as I see it are inspired human words, good words for the most part and much truly prophetic but still human and need to be understood as such and used along with ALL other information and personal revelation to form a personal belief system. Take it for what it's worth.

Love Ya Dave

Lost Friends

Rest in peace Richard Earl Dade. So as I go through life I have had to remove myself for reasons of survival and sanity from situations and groups of people. Unfortunately some very close and very needed and wanted relationships have been lost. I always told myself oh I'll look them up someday we'll get back together for old times sake. Well those times don't happen next thing you know you are reading an obituary. Kicking myself in the ass and crying my eyes out. I loved this guy and he knew it but I didn't make the time or take the effort to stay connected. Now it's too late and I even missed the funeral. There was a time when this guy Rich saved me from despair and gave me family. I can't say too much more cause tears are clouding my vision.

MISS YOU OLD FRIEND

Back At It

OK it's been a long time since I wrote on this blog and I know it may be just futile and unnoticed. Anyway I still have a lot to say and have just been holding it in and hiding from the truth and at the same time isolating myself. At times I get scared of how I seem so disconnectted from everyone and everything it doesn't feel right. I have been through a lot of therapy, read so many self help books, been in groups and I still can't get it right. I some how let relationships just die on the vine and just get more and more distant. Then sometimes especially with my dear wife I actually sabotage our closeness. This is the one that really kills me, Mary is my only close friend and I seem to over and over screw up our marriage. I am also distant from my 2 older sons from a previous realationship that I had at a very young age. So that keeps me from being close to my grandkids. So the snowball gets bigger as it rolls ever faster down that never ending hill. OUCH I hurt and I am not alright with it. So I am back actively working on my character defects and am reaching out of my box to make some dramatic changes. Let's see how it goes, maybe that means journaling and blogging on a regular basis. Also reaching out to make contact with the people I have always cared about but have lost close touch with and right hear at home with Mary I love her dearly and want her to be happy. I know I must learn to be positive, content and happy inside myself before I can be a happy part of her life. Love Ya All

One More Time and One More Year

I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THE SAME!!!!! I AM BORED AND TIRED!!!!!  HELP HELP HELP !!!!!!

Do I Really Want Everyone To Know What I'm Thinking?

A big title for a small question. Am I going to be totally transparent and let it all hang out there, or what?
This is not as easy as it should be and the over riding reality of not hurting others by expressing your base instincts and unfiltered thoughts and feelings can stop you in your tracks. I sometimes feel compelled to just say or do what is right there on top of my head and then I must stop and ask is this kind and productive or mean and destructive. So the filtering begins and the questioning and second guessing and the shutting off for fear of negative repercussions. Ouch, am I really me or a watered down version of what I think people want me to be? It is my unhealthy judgement of myself and all others and situations and everything that gets me in trouble. It is the wrong thought patterns and a snowball effect or worse a run away freight train. It is so true "we are what we think" and allowing uncontrolled thoughts to run and ruin your life is hell here on earth. No need for thought police but a deep need for inner peace.

Love Ya All Dave