Dave doesn't post enough!

Yeah that's me and I don't post anywhere near enough or about anything most people would be interested in. It's not that I don't have anything to say or that some of my ideas might not be a little bit interesting. I find I live in my mind too much and I get paralyzed and don't take action. I let circumstances dictate my actions rather then my actions dictating the circumstances. So there is a conundrum (I always wanted to use that word.) I am faced with here and it is me. For me to progress any further I have to get out of my way. Is this all too cliche or what? This whole blog idea is for me to get out of myself and finally start living again. I need to listen to my own ranting and raving even when it seems pretty pathetic at times. Believe it or not I am better then I used to be and getting even better. I am OK and what I do and feel matters. Listen up anyone who might stubble upon this site, thing are a changing. See Ya Dave

Suvival Mode

Taking care of the day to day stuff that needs to happen is what I'm doing. I am going to break away at some point soon and move to a better place in life. I will be unstuck and get on with living not just surviving. I am blowing it all up. See Ya Dave

I Know What I Have To Do

I'm struggling with the fact that whatever I do at this point won't satisfy my dear wife. I hate being negative all the time and I'm going to stop, that's what I have to do first. Next I need to get back to living a meaningful life. Being in limbo just sucks. The thought of giving up everything I ever thought I wanted and just hanging it all out in the wind is very scary. The thought of growing old alone is as sad as anything I could imagine. So where do I go with this?????? I just need to let it all go and that is very tough to do. Then I need to grow, as in move toward something a goal a dream anything. I am bored and boring and this is a big reason why my wife doesn't want to put up with me and why I am so down on myself. I stopped growing at several different points in my life, now it effects everything I do or don't do. I am at a stand still until I give it all up. Do I fight or give up or what is the combination that will work?????? Same old stuff and I can't stand it, sorry about that. As if anyone reads this blather anyway, I just bitch at myself. Very productive.

See Ya Dave

My Heart Is Broken

I have had high hope that my dear wife and I could get back together. I guess I'm wrong. She said she hates me and has no more love for me. Very sad. My heart is truly broken.

See Ya :-(

Life is worth saving

This past Saturday I went to a fund raising walk out at Crissy Field in San Francisco. It was one of those perfect weather days that grace SF in late Sept. and early Oct. it was glorious. Any way the walk was for suicide prevention the group was afsp.org and was pretty gut wrenching and at the same time uplifting. People that are close to me now how suicide has touched my life and my families and the ripple effect it has, and the on going questions in our minds. I have struggled for over 40 years dealing with all the emotions surrounding suicide, guilt, fear, anger, resentment and a huge battle with depression. With depression come thoughts that I hate to admit at times include just ending it all. I have made a promise to myself and my wife that I will never do this because I know better than most the repercussions of this ultimate act. This is a subject that seems to still be taboo and avoided by most people and that is a shame. I know that it touches more lives then people like to admit and the thoughts of just ending your own personal pain has crossed more minds than will ever even admit to themselves. I love life and I want nothing but the best for everyone but we all need to look into the shadows that lurk in the back of each of our minds and confront our demons. I hope this hasn't put you off and been some morbid topic that isn't worthy of contemplation. If you need help it's out there and I am here and will listen and understand, because I am you.

See Ya Dave

God and dog share the same letters

Come on leave me some comments about this beautiful dog or any dog stuff. This is finally some positive on my blog site. At least I'm not bitching about life. My hit counter shows a lot of people looking at her first picture. Here's an updated one and you can see how fast she's growing.

See Ya Dave

My dog Shasta

This is a sweet dog, she is going to be a big girl, dark brown. I swear when I'm with her I feel so much better and younger. I still miss Sierra and feel guilty about how she died and kind of like I replaced her with Shasta. I'm going to post some pics as she grows up here on my site. So at least I will be putting something positive here instead of all my negative belly aching. She is already a lot bigger then this now. See ya Dave