Made It Thruogh Christmas

Christmas has just past and the New Year fast approaches, what will this next year bring? I am hopeful and yet somewhat sceptical, it has been hard to accept what has happened financially in the past couple of years. At my age I should be thinking about retirement, but my poor planning and lack of foresight has left me kind of shell shocked. I had thought since we owned or were buying two houses and they were going up in value that by the time we got to retirement age we could sell off, downsize and live OK. Not now we owe more on the houses now and it may take 10 years to get back to even. Is it worth it? Not quite sure what to do. Lost 50% on my 401K's and who knows if my MCE shares will ever pay off in the end. So I go on to a dead end job that is very unfulfilling and barely covers my living expenses and I am thankful to have it right now. Where do I go from here? This is the constant question on my mind. My stupid pride has made me be less then truthful to my wife and has caused huge problems between us. I am not even living at my own house I am renting a room and this is another expense I can't afford. I miss having a life and having fun and working toward something. I am empty! I am ready for a complete change. I must remember there is a price to be paid for every decision and action or for that matter the lack there of.

See Ya Dave

Tough Time Of The Year

Almost everyone that knows me and my history knows why this time of year is tough for me.

I don't want to stay stuck in the past any longer. This is easy to say but my mind has something blocking me from overcoming these thought patterns. I am actively controlling my thoughts as best as I can. This is a constant battle to stay in the right frame of mind and not just let old patterns reappear. Over the years I have had good holiday seasons and also bad. My wife and children have had to deal with my mood and sometimes my need to just escape. At times I wonder how and why Mary has put up with me, she must love me. I am today fighting a very deep depression and I know that the changes in my life circumstances has a lot to do with it. I am letting everything mount up on me and it gets to feeling overwhelming. So as I go through the next few weeks I ask God and myself for some grace and patients. Have a great Christmas and holiday season and take care of yourselves, I love you all.

See Ya Dave

Am I Psyco?

Alright I don't know about you but I just love this show "Dexter". It is about as dark a premis as any show could be. I'm not going to go over what it's about or anything because if you don't know this show you just won't get it. Dexter is a metifore for every man's rage and need for control of course taken to as extreme as it can get. Anyway I love it and can identify with it. So am I sick or what?

See Ya Dave

Dave doesn't post enough!

Yeah that's me and I don't post anywhere near enough or about anything most people would be interested in. It's not that I don't have anything to say or that some of my ideas might not be a little bit interesting. I find I live in my mind too much and I get paralyzed and don't take action. I let circumstances dictate my actions rather then my actions dictating the circumstances. So there is a conundrum (I always wanted to use that word.) I am faced with here and it is me. For me to progress any further I have to get out of my way. Is this all too cliche or what? This whole blog idea is for me to get out of myself and finally start living again. I need to listen to my own ranting and raving even when it seems pretty pathetic at times. Believe it or not I am better then I used to be and getting even better. I am OK and what I do and feel matters. Listen up anyone who might stubble upon this site, thing are a changing. See Ya Dave

Suvival Mode

Taking care of the day to day stuff that needs to happen is what I'm doing. I am going to break away at some point soon and move to a better place in life. I will be unstuck and get on with living not just surviving. I am blowing it all up. See Ya Dave

I Know What I Have To Do

I'm struggling with the fact that whatever I do at this point won't satisfy my dear wife. I hate being negative all the time and I'm going to stop, that's what I have to do first. Next I need to get back to living a meaningful life. Being in limbo just sucks. The thought of giving up everything I ever thought I wanted and just hanging it all out in the wind is very scary. The thought of growing old alone is as sad as anything I could imagine. So where do I go with this?????? I just need to let it all go and that is very tough to do. Then I need to grow, as in move toward something a goal a dream anything. I am bored and boring and this is a big reason why my wife doesn't want to put up with me and why I am so down on myself. I stopped growing at several different points in my life, now it effects everything I do or don't do. I am at a stand still until I give it all up. Do I fight or give up or what is the combination that will work?????? Same old stuff and I can't stand it, sorry about that. As if anyone reads this blather anyway, I just bitch at myself. Very productive.

See Ya Dave

My Heart Is Broken

I have had high hope that my dear wife and I could get back together. I guess I'm wrong. She said she hates me and has no more love for me. Very sad. My heart is truly broken.

See Ya :-(