A New Routine

As usual when I'm going through a funk I stop writing and of course this is when I should be getting my thoughts out. I have decided to change a lot of things in my life and in my mind. I am so tired of being scared and insecure this is a challenge I am facing head on. I ask myself what are you afraid of and why don't you take any risks? You know I really don't have a reasonable answer. I don't even have a clue, it's like the monster under your bed when you were a kid, it didn't really exist. I am setting up defined steps in a routine I am going to embark upon in a quest to stretch myself to accomplice more of what my potential provides. Interesting words, now to put it in to practice. I will write down my goals, the plan, the results as I go along this path I am blazing. This is a very positive undertaking and I am anxious to get it moving.

See Ya Dave

CAN I JUST BE DONE !!!!!!

I just want to be done with this part of my life. The next part has to be better.

What To Do With The Rest Of My Days?

Yeah I am always bitching and moaning and I can't stand myself, no wonder no one else can either. So all I can figure to do is just give in to the fact that I am a pretty sick in the head individual. My wife wants a divorce my kids don't want to be around me, I have no real friends. So what do I have? My dog still likes me. I have taken another 10% pay cut that brings it to over a 25% total cut in the past 13 months. I am mounting a job search and this is a tough market, I am also going to college classes. So as I bitch a little bit more and of course no one will hear or know my desperation I will just get it off my chest for the moment. I surely didn't envision this kind of a life for me or the people I care about in life. The thought process gets cloudy and confused when you feel so trapped and like a slave to the capitalist system we are forced into.

I have for the entirety of my life worked day to day for the essentials in life, gave up on my own personal dreams for some kind of misguided duty. By me not becoming who I am supposed to be I have short changed everyone I have come in contact with. SORRY!!!! See Ya Dave

Nobody Sees This Or Cares

Yeah that's right and why would anyone. I am boring and bored, I can't get out of this hole and I keep on digging. So I am sitting on the pity pot (I hate that saying) and don't know what to do next. I just can't seem to keep my finaces straight or make more money to pay off my debts. This is a constant problem in my marriage and rightly so. It is the same old story of my life.

IT SUCKS !!!

See Ya maybe Dave

Recent Thought Process

So I have been thinking and kind of I guess evaluating how I want the rest of my life or at least this next stage to go. At my age at times it seems like my choices are limited but my limitations come from inside my head. I choose to take actions and I choose to become who I can truly be. I was looking at some of my old writings and what my dreams and goals (well I can't call them goals if I never planned for or took action on them) and I found much of my old ideas are still in my head and in my heart. I feel a renewed vigor and possibility coming from within me, with this comes a confidence that I haven't felt in quite a while. I know and have to constantly remind myself that I get stuck at the contemplative stage and avoid or just don't take the action steps so consequently nothing of substance happens. This in so many way is the story of my life and has held me back from becoming who and what I am supposed to be. I have no one to blame not even myself it just is what it is or more aptly put as it used to be. I am taking the steps though small they may seem at the moment to move my life toward what it can be. It is not too late and all is possible, trust and push on.

See Ya Dave

Quite a spring & summer

Just a note to share my busy and very event filled past few months. So Mary and I have reconciled, Brian, Amanda and Steve graduated from college, Amanda and Steve got married, all the kids moved out of our Chico house, we fixed up the house and got it rented out, we had our 30 year anniversary, we went to Iowa for Eugene and Sara's wedding and we bought a boat. So this has been a life changing time in my life and I have hope for the future. None of this is easy and it all takes risk but it is so much more fulfilling then mediocre acceptance of the illusion of security. On with it.

See Ya Dave

Letting Go

So it seems that all the things, ideas and people that I've held on to need to be let go. The tighter I hold on to the past the more it isn't right anymore. I realize that I have stopped growing and have lost my confidence in myself and in the way I thought things were supposed to be. When I let the passion and drive and dreams leave me I became an unattractive shell of who I could or should be. This is a classic thought pattern for a guy my age and is a turning point that will define the reality and experience I have into the future. It is my choice or if I abdicate my choice it is still a choice with results that may not please me. So I must chart the path I am to travel into my future. Zero sum thinking, start at nothing and go from there at least in my mind. Reality is that there are responsibilities and ends that need to be tied up so to speak. Then the questions begin and the big one being "who do you want to be?" well only I can answer this. Right this moment I truly don't know the answer or even how to ask myself the right questions.

See Ya Dave