Life is worth saving

This past Saturday I went to a fund raising walk out at Crissy Field in San Francisco. It was one of those perfect weather days that grace SF in late Sept. and early Oct. it was glorious. Any way the walk was for suicide prevention the group was afsp.org and was pretty gut wrenching and at the same time uplifting. People that are close to me now how suicide has touched my life and my families and the ripple effect it has, and the on going questions in our minds. I have struggled for over 40 years dealing with all the emotions surrounding suicide, guilt, fear, anger, resentment and a huge battle with depression. With depression come thoughts that I hate to admit at times include just ending it all. I have made a promise to myself and my wife that I will never do this because I know better than most the repercussions of this ultimate act. This is a subject that seems to still be taboo and avoided by most people and that is a shame. I know that it touches more lives then people like to admit and the thoughts of just ending your own personal pain has crossed more minds than will ever even admit to themselves. I love life and I want nothing but the best for everyone but we all need to look into the shadows that lurk in the back of each of our minds and confront our demons. I hope this hasn't put you off and been some morbid topic that isn't worthy of contemplation. If you need help it's out there and I am here and will listen and understand, because I am you.

See Ya Dave

God and dog share the same letters

Come on leave me some comments about this beautiful dog or any dog stuff. This is finally some positive on my blog site. At least I'm not bitching about life. My hit counter shows a lot of people looking at her first picture. Here's an updated one and you can see how fast she's growing.

See Ya Dave

My dog Shasta

This is a sweet dog, she is going to be a big girl, dark brown. I swear when I'm with her I feel so much better and younger. I still miss Sierra and feel guilty about how she died and kind of like I replaced her with Shasta. I'm going to post some pics as she grows up here on my site. So at least I will be putting something positive here instead of all my negative belly aching. She is already a lot bigger then this now. See ya Dave

Not Quite Sure What To Do

I am so very tired of being negative and struggling against the world. I am so ready to just give up and take the punches. My struggles with finances, work life, purpose and my personal relationships have been ongoing for as long as I can remember. My closest relationship my dear wife Mary says she's not sure if she still loves me. This is like the most hurtful thing that has ever been said to me. I get so many mixed messages from her and do not know how to react or respond. I'm ready to just walk off into the woods and just disappear. How do I survive this and have some purpose in my life? So it seems I just have nothing but negative going on in my life and I can't get out of it. I feel like I need to do everything different even totally opposite from the ways I have done in the past. I have always worked and paid my bills, I have always been helpful and loyal to people, I've given up what I've wanted to do to go along with others and look where I have ended up! What a big waste of time and energy. Is my past worth saving? That just doesn't make any sense, the past is gone why hold on to it. Even my dreams or the way I thought things were suppose to be, just aren't anymore. I keep holding on to a complete illusion that was and will never be so I'm not quite sure what to do.

SOS Yeah That's Right

I know, I know why do I stay so stuck in the same old muck? I don't know, it just seems like I need to do everything different maybe like George Costanza on Seinfeld where everything went right when he did the exact opposite as he had always done. I hold on to the past and to the present to a fault and don't move on or up. I am slipping back and getting paralyzed and this is not good that's for sure. I feel pretty much alone in this and really can't figure out how to break this pattern that seems so destructive in my life. I go in and out of depression and can't concentrate on anything too long. I am not getting things done or moving on, so I'm at a stand still until I finally decide to just jump out of this restrictive lifestyle and go do something. Mortgages to pay, bills to pay, obligations to live up to, people to please, responsibilities that don't end, a life doing meaningless toil without worth or reward, how about that. That is my life, no wonder I crave a change. I'm sorry for being negative and I know some people will just say "Oh shit not this again." and one of them is me.

See Ya Dave

Alone In a Crowded Room

What the hell does that mean? That I have voluntarily isolated myself maybe not consciously. I am just sick of myself, I just can't get it right. I don't keep track of my money and I overspend and I overdraft my accounts. This make Mary very mad at me and she thinks I'm lying to her. I am not doing this on purpose I just lose track and don't face up to it. I am losing everything I ever thought I wanted and I feel so old and useless. Mary says I'm always negative and she doesn't want to here it or be around it. So we have been separated for quite a while, but I had hoped we were trying to get back together. Well the other day she looked at my accounts online and I had overdrafted a lot and she got really mad and told me that was it, it's over between us. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, made the wrong choices, took the wrong actions or just hid from reality and hope it would all go away or get better. It never did and now at my age where I should be starting to relax, it ain't gonna happen. So what do I do? I don't know. My day to day work and life are boring and meaningless. I struggle to keep what? I got nothing. Is that about enough negative for one rant, sorry. See Ya Dave

RAVE!!! Women........of course...

"A guy gets to ask God 3 questions.
Having been mystified by women his whole life he says, 'God? Why did you make them SO beautiful?'
To which God replies, 'So that you would like them, my son'.
'Wow! Really?' says the man. 'That is wonderful! Thank you So much!'
'Next quuestion', God says
'OK...uh...why did you make them SO SEXY?!'
'Well, that's a lot like the first question.....but the answer is........ so you would like them, my son.'
The man is beside himself with gratitude, and thanks God profusely.
'But tell me this, God.........tell me why.......WHY OH WHY!....................did you make them SO stupid?'
God says:
'So that THEY.......would like YOU..........my son'"