Not Quite Sure What To Do

I am so very tired of being negative and struggling against the world. I am so ready to just give up and take the punches. My struggles with finances, work life, purpose and my personal relationships have been ongoing for as long as I can remember. My closest relationship my dear wife Mary says she's not sure if she still loves me. This is like the most hurtful thing that has ever been said to me. I get so many mixed messages from her and do not know how to react or respond. I'm ready to just walk off into the woods and just disappear. How do I survive this and have some purpose in my life? So it seems I just have nothing but negative going on in my life and I can't get out of it. I feel like I need to do everything different even totally opposite from the ways I have done in the past. I have always worked and paid my bills, I have always been helpful and loyal to people, I've given up what I've wanted to do to go along with others and look where I have ended up! What a big waste of time and energy. Is my past worth saving? That just doesn't make any sense, the past is gone why hold on to it. Even my dreams or the way I thought things were suppose to be, just aren't anymore. I keep holding on to a complete illusion that was and will never be so I'm not quite sure what to do.

SOS Yeah That's Right

I know, I know why do I stay so stuck in the same old muck? I don't know, it just seems like I need to do everything different maybe like George Costanza on Seinfeld where everything went right when he did the exact opposite as he had always done. I hold on to the past and to the present to a fault and don't move on or up. I am slipping back and getting paralyzed and this is not good that's for sure. I feel pretty much alone in this and really can't figure out how to break this pattern that seems so destructive in my life. I go in and out of depression and can't concentrate on anything too long. I am not getting things done or moving on, so I'm at a stand still until I finally decide to just jump out of this restrictive lifestyle and go do something. Mortgages to pay, bills to pay, obligations to live up to, people to please, responsibilities that don't end, a life doing meaningless toil without worth or reward, how about that. That is my life, no wonder I crave a change. I'm sorry for being negative and I know some people will just say "Oh shit not this again." and one of them is me.

See Ya Dave

Alone In a Crowded Room

What the hell does that mean? That I have voluntarily isolated myself maybe not consciously. I am just sick of myself, I just can't get it right. I don't keep track of my money and I overspend and I overdraft my accounts. This make Mary very mad at me and she thinks I'm lying to her. I am not doing this on purpose I just lose track and don't face up to it. I am losing everything I ever thought I wanted and I feel so old and useless. Mary says I'm always negative and she doesn't want to here it or be around it. So we have been separated for quite a while, but I had hoped we were trying to get back together. Well the other day she looked at my accounts online and I had overdrafted a lot and she got really mad and told me that was it, it's over between us. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, made the wrong choices, took the wrong actions or just hid from reality and hope it would all go away or get better. It never did and now at my age where I should be starting to relax, it ain't gonna happen. So what do I do? I don't know. My day to day work and life are boring and meaningless. I struggle to keep what? I got nothing. Is that about enough negative for one rant, sorry. See Ya Dave

RAVE!!! Women........of course...

"A guy gets to ask God 3 questions.
Having been mystified by women his whole life he says, 'God? Why did you make them SO beautiful?'
To which God replies, 'So that you would like them, my son'.
'Wow! Really?' says the man. 'That is wonderful! Thank you So much!'
'Next quuestion', God says
'OK...uh...why did you make them SO SEXY?!'
'Well, that's a lot like the first question.....but the answer is........ so you would like them, my son.'
The man is beside himself with gratitude, and thanks God profusely.
'But tell me this, God.........tell me why.......WHY OH WHY!....................did you make them SO stupid?'
God says:
'So that THEY.......would like YOU..........my son'"

Reconnection Is A Must

I don't know about you but I have put up walls around my feelings. What I mean is I realize that from a very young age I learned if I didn't get too close to someone I couldn't get hurt so bad. I mean in reality it doesn't make any sense because it keeps me from the true connection that I want and need the most. I have been through a lot of therapy over the years and believe it or not I am a lot better then I used to be. That doesn't mean that I'm not still pretty screwed up but I am better. I CRAVE to reconnect and build close relationships with my wife, kids, grandkids, friends, myself and of course God. Is this a tall order? I don't think so. It will take me training my subconscious to reject my old arms length way of dealing with people especially my dear wife Mary. I study the Bible and the Tao and pray to God for strength and guidance everyday. So I opened a Facebook account and have found a lot of my family are there too and maybe it can be a way to keep the door open to each other and not get too far apart. If any of my family or friends read this I love you all and I'm so sorry for being distant and disconnected, I want to be part of your lives if you'll let me.

Love Ya Dave

Seattle Trip

Well this little get away was really spur of the moment and I got very lucky with air fare and rental car fees. I only knew about a week before that my brother was planning a party for Marilyn's 60th birthday and Bryonne's high school graduation. So I had to act fast if I was going and I did and it was great seeing them all. Time is just slipping by so damn fast and we all still bear the scars from our screwed up childhood. It really is a shame, I have done a lot of work on myself to deal with all that shit and I surely am still messed up. It is hard to see it in my brothers and sister and know some of the turmoil that must be going on inside them too. I had some really good talks with Gary, Shannon and Bobby we always seem to get pretty deep it's just hard to rehash some of that old stuff. Not having a good father model or a functioning marriage relationship to learn from has taken a toll on all of us and in similar ways too. I pray for us all that the rest of our lives will be more content and we may be able to put the past where it belongs, in the past. It was a good trip back and I kind of went looking on my own for some of the landmarks of my past, not much of it left. My old house on 123rd Pl. gone, couldn't find my grammar school or little league field, did find Cleveland HS and what's left of Dave's Drive In it's a junk lot and the HS doesn't even look like the same place. So what did I expect anyways? Well the old saying about you can never go back, well you can but it's not the same, not even close! So why do we do it and keep it in our heads like we do or at least I do? I've got no answers really other than "Be Here Now" as Ram Das wrote about some 40 years ago. I think this is a part of my catharsis and a needed reality check. The past is gone stop living there.

See Ya Dave

People That Do Stuff

You know I look around me and I see all these people doing so many different and interesting things and I say to myself why not me. Why have I held back and not just gone with a passion and done something, anything. I really enjoyed raising my kids and loved working outdoors but I've put my head down and done what I thought I was suppose to do for so long I can't seem to come out of it. I forgot what it was like to be passionate and happy heading for a goal I really wanted to accomplice and enjoyed. So this big life change is scary but exciting at the same time I am so ready for change. I may have to give up everything I ever thought I wanted just to get my self back. That same person that was once me is still here inside hidden a bit and a little worn but still here. I am waking up and in the immortal words of The Dead "I will survive". So here I go on down the road.

See Ya Dave