Reconnection Is A Must

I don't know about you but I have put up walls around my feelings. What I mean is I realize that from a very young age I learned if I didn't get too close to someone I couldn't get hurt so bad. I mean in reality it doesn't make any sense because it keeps me from the true connection that I want and need the most. I have been through a lot of therapy over the years and believe it or not I am a lot better then I used to be. That doesn't mean that I'm not still pretty screwed up but I am better. I CRAVE to reconnect and build close relationships with my wife, kids, grandkids, friends, myself and of course God. Is this a tall order? I don't think so. It will take me training my subconscious to reject my old arms length way of dealing with people especially my dear wife Mary. I study the Bible and the Tao and pray to God for strength and guidance everyday. So I opened a Facebook account and have found a lot of my family are there too and maybe it can be a way to keep the door open to each other and not get too far apart. If any of my family or friends read this I love you all and I'm so sorry for being distant and disconnected, I want to be part of your lives if you'll let me.

Love Ya Dave

Seattle Trip

Well this little get away was really spur of the moment and I got very lucky with air fare and rental car fees. I only knew about a week before that my brother was planning a party for Marilyn's 60th birthday and Bryonne's high school graduation. So I had to act fast if I was going and I did and it was great seeing them all. Time is just slipping by so damn fast and we all still bear the scars from our screwed up childhood. It really is a shame, I have done a lot of work on myself to deal with all that shit and I surely am still messed up. It is hard to see it in my brothers and sister and know some of the turmoil that must be going on inside them too. I had some really good talks with Gary, Shannon and Bobby we always seem to get pretty deep it's just hard to rehash some of that old stuff. Not having a good father model or a functioning marriage relationship to learn from has taken a toll on all of us and in similar ways too. I pray for us all that the rest of our lives will be more content and we may be able to put the past where it belongs, in the past. It was a good trip back and I kind of went looking on my own for some of the landmarks of my past, not much of it left. My old house on 123rd Pl. gone, couldn't find my grammar school or little league field, did find Cleveland HS and what's left of Dave's Drive In it's a junk lot and the HS doesn't even look like the same place. So what did I expect anyways? Well the old saying about you can never go back, well you can but it's not the same, not even close! So why do we do it and keep it in our heads like we do or at least I do? I've got no answers really other than "Be Here Now" as Ram Das wrote about some 40 years ago. I think this is a part of my catharsis and a needed reality check. The past is gone stop living there.

See Ya Dave

People That Do Stuff

You know I look around me and I see all these people doing so many different and interesting things and I say to myself why not me. Why have I held back and not just gone with a passion and done something, anything. I really enjoyed raising my kids and loved working outdoors but I've put my head down and done what I thought I was suppose to do for so long I can't seem to come out of it. I forgot what it was like to be passionate and happy heading for a goal I really wanted to accomplice and enjoyed. So this big life change is scary but exciting at the same time I am so ready for change. I may have to give up everything I ever thought I wanted just to get my self back. That same person that was once me is still here inside hidden a bit and a little worn but still here. I am waking up and in the immortal words of The Dead "I will survive". So here I go on down the road.

See Ya Dave