Back At It

OK it's been a long time since I wrote on this blog and I know it may be just futile and unnoticed. Anyway I still have a lot to say and have just been holding it in and hiding from the truth and at the same time isolating myself. At times I get scared of how I seem so disconnectted from everyone and everything it doesn't feel right. I have been through a lot of therapy, read so many self help books, been in groups and I still can't get it right. I some how let relationships just die on the vine and just get more and more distant. Then sometimes especially with my dear wife I actually sabotage our closeness. This is the one that really kills me, Mary is my only close friend and I seem to over and over screw up our marriage. I am also distant from my 2 older sons from a previous realationship that I had at a very young age. So that keeps me from being close to my grandkids. So the snowball gets bigger as it rolls ever faster down that never ending hill. OUCH I hurt and I am not alright with it. So I am back actively working on my character defects and am reaching out of my box to make some dramatic changes. Let's see how it goes, maybe that means journaling and blogging on a regular basis. Also reaching out to make contact with the people I have always cared about but have lost close touch with and right hear at home with Mary I love her dearly and want her to be happy. I know I must learn to be positive, content and happy inside myself before I can be a happy part of her life. Love Ya All