A New Routine

As usual when I'm going through a funk I stop writing and of course this is when I should be getting my thoughts out. I have decided to change a lot of things in my life and in my mind. I am so tired of being scared and insecure this is a challenge I am facing head on. I ask myself what are you afraid of and why don't you take any risks? You know I really don't have a reasonable answer. I don't even have a clue, it's like the monster under your bed when you were a kid, it didn't really exist. I am setting up defined steps in a routine I am going to embark upon in a quest to stretch myself to accomplice more of what my potential provides. Interesting words, now to put it in to practice. I will write down my goals, the plan, the results as I go along this path I am blazing. This is a very positive undertaking and I am anxious to get it moving.

See Ya Dave

CAN I JUST BE DONE !!!!!!

I just want to be done with this part of my life. The next part has to be better.

What To Do With The Rest Of My Days?

Yeah I am always bitching and moaning and I can't stand myself, no wonder no one else can either. So all I can figure to do is just give in to the fact that I am a pretty sick in the head individual. My wife wants a divorce my kids don't want to be around me, I have no real friends. So what do I have? My dog still likes me. I have taken another 10% pay cut that brings it to over a 25% total cut in the past 13 months. I am mounting a job search and this is a tough market, I am also going to college classes. So as I bitch a little bit more and of course no one will hear or know my desperation I will just get it off my chest for the moment. I surely didn't envision this kind of a life for me or the people I care about in life. The thought process gets cloudy and confused when you feel so trapped and like a slave to the capitalist system we are forced into.

I have for the entirety of my life worked day to day for the essentials in life, gave up on my own personal dreams for some kind of misguided duty. By me not becoming who I am supposed to be I have short changed everyone I have come in contact with. SORRY!!!! See Ya Dave

Nobody Sees This Or Cares

Yeah that's right and why would anyone. I am boring and bored, I can't get out of this hole and I keep on digging. So I am sitting on the pity pot (I hate that saying) and don't know what to do next. I just can't seem to keep my finaces straight or make more money to pay off my debts. This is a constant problem in my marriage and rightly so. It is the same old story of my life.

IT SUCKS !!!

See Ya maybe Dave

Recent Thought Process

So I have been thinking and kind of I guess evaluating how I want the rest of my life or at least this next stage to go. At my age at times it seems like my choices are limited but my limitations come from inside my head. I choose to take actions and I choose to become who I can truly be. I was looking at some of my old writings and what my dreams and goals (well I can't call them goals if I never planned for or took action on them) and I found much of my old ideas are still in my head and in my heart. I feel a renewed vigor and possibility coming from within me, with this comes a confidence that I haven't felt in quite a while. I know and have to constantly remind myself that I get stuck at the contemplative stage and avoid or just don't take the action steps so consequently nothing of substance happens. This in so many way is the story of my life and has held me back from becoming who and what I am supposed to be. I have no one to blame not even myself it just is what it is or more aptly put as it used to be. I am taking the steps though small they may seem at the moment to move my life toward what it can be. It is not too late and all is possible, trust and push on.

See Ya Dave

Quite a spring & summer

Just a note to share my busy and very event filled past few months. So Mary and I have reconciled, Brian, Amanda and Steve graduated from college, Amanda and Steve got married, all the kids moved out of our Chico house, we fixed up the house and got it rented out, we had our 30 year anniversary, we went to Iowa for Eugene and Sara's wedding and we bought a boat. So this has been a life changing time in my life and I have hope for the future. None of this is easy and it all takes risk but it is so much more fulfilling then mediocre acceptance of the illusion of security. On with it.

See Ya Dave

Letting Go

So it seems that all the things, ideas and people that I've held on to need to be let go. The tighter I hold on to the past the more it isn't right anymore. I realize that I have stopped growing and have lost my confidence in myself and in the way I thought things were supposed to be. When I let the passion and drive and dreams leave me I became an unattractive shell of who I could or should be. This is a classic thought pattern for a guy my age and is a turning point that will define the reality and experience I have into the future. It is my choice or if I abdicate my choice it is still a choice with results that may not please me. So I must chart the path I am to travel into my future. Zero sum thinking, start at nothing and go from there at least in my mind. Reality is that there are responsibilities and ends that need to be tied up so to speak. Then the questions begin and the big one being "who do you want to be?" well only I can answer this. Right this moment I truly don't know the answer or even how to ask myself the right questions.

See Ya Dave

Been a while

OK, OK, OK it has been far too long since I wrote anything as if anyone ever reads it. The past 2 months have had so much activity it's hard to know where to start. Brian and Amanda graduated from college, Amanda and Steve got married, Mary and I are working on living together, we ran the Bay to Breakers, all our tenants in the Chico house are moving out by the first of July. WOW! It's like a waterfall pouring down on my head it is not going to stop all I can do is adjust my position so I won't drown. Life changes that I have ignored and put off are now building up to an explosive point where change is going to happen if I lead or follow or get dragged along. I am ready for it no matter what it is. I would like a little say in how it goes though. This is a reoccurring theme in my writings and I need to pull the trigger and accept the consequences.

Love Ya and See Ya Dave

Dr. Henry Cloud

Have you heard of this guy? He is a psychologist and a Christian, he has written many books and does a video series for CCN called Solutions. He collaborates with Dr. John Townsend on many of the projects. These guys are really great and have given me help and insights that are making me a better person. The one thing they don't do is preach, they teach and it would be just as relevant for both secular or Christian. My wife Mary and I just this past week got to spend a day and a half at the live taping of the Solutions program and it was a real treat. We got to meek Dr. Cloud and the info and emotion was really something special. If you get a chance check this guy ouy it is surely worth it.

See Ya Dave

Still Crazy After All These Years

Well if anyone ever reads this they will see that I don't blog very much or very well. Oh yeah I do get those spurts of energy and creativity but they seem to be few and far between. I sometimes think I am just too boring and that my petty drama is insignificant to the big picture. So I will work at it again and see if I can get some of my feelings out for my own sake even if no one ever sees it. Maybe I can light the fire or at least add fuel to it.

Love Ya All Dave

Tough Times Again

Damn it gets tough sometimes. I want my life, my marriage, my wife back it's driving me nuts. I am working so hard at our relationship and I just keep getting shot down. I really feel like the devil or evil or whatever you want to call it is fighting to keep us apart. Why can't I have my life back? I am going to keep fighting I love my wife. Well here it is once again I am stuck and hurting and don't know what to do. Please help me God, I beg for your help, please here my prayers. I am so disheartened I need help here.

See Ya Dave

New Class

So I started a new class at GHCC it's called "Changes That Heal" based on a book by Henry Cloud. It gets right to the being stuck and how to get going again. So I'm pretty stoked about it.

I really need to get moving and growing. The group of guys in the class are OK but I'm not totally connecting with them yet. I am doing something at least. Boy I would like to spend some time on that beach.

See Ya Dave

Stuck

I keep finding myself stuck in my own head. Time is moving on and action is the only way to promote change. It's easy for me to think about but for some reason I have a hard time pulling the trigger. It is my constant challenge.

See Ya Dave

My Brown Dog

Our dog Shasta is such a sweet animal, she is only 8 mo. old and almost 75 lbs. she is in a constant state of bliss. Well I guess she gets bored when we are at work but she has the cats to play with and I mean it the one cat Shadow loves the dog more then people, they are buddies.

I am working on training her but I won't break her spirit she is all dog and that's how she is suppose to be. Some people say animals don't have souls, I say that's crap they are free souls and God meant it to be that way. God and dog share the same 3 letters. When that dog is running and rolling in the water and just being a dog in bliss she is closer to God then many of us ever get. We should all learn from our dogs about living in "the moment".

See Ya Dave

Over Thinking and Not Acting

Oh yeah I've got all sorts of ideas and I think and study and contemplate, but when will I act? Why don't I ever just pull the trigger and do it, whatever it might be? So I can have all the best intentions and the best information but can't seem to get anything done. I have convinced myself that I can't do it or I don't have the time or I'm too old. What a pathetic sack of crap. Those are just excuses to cover up my fears. The big problem with Mary and I right now is just this situation, she can't stand seeing "Us" stagnate. If I just do anything I think her attitude would change. I have read many books on getting over these unfounded fears, I have gone through therapy and classes trying to get going. I have been in a pretty big slump for the past 5 years and I know this can't go on. So I am forced out of my comfort zone which hasn't been all that comfortable for a long long time. I pray to God for strength and guidance to move on to what I am meant to do in my future. I understand God as being everything and the collective universal conciseness. Anyone have any ideas on getting out of being stuck in my head and getting my feet moving? I am ready to do just about anything at this point, almost.

See Ya Dave

Why Listen To Me?

I am just the same as you, we are all the same thing the same consciousness. We feel separate, but deep down we know from our souls that we are connected and come from the same place and go back to that same place. Listen to yourself, not me and you will hear the same message. Uh Hum.

Self awareness and examination is very freeing and comforting and at the same time it is also frightening and disconcerting. There's that old duality again, that is life yet we have the trinity which transcends just life and gives us the observer the soul. We are all part of the whole which is everything. God is everything. I like them there fried taters.

See Ya Dave

"I am" not "Me"

We are all living with not only a duality of being but a trinity. There is always talk and writings about duality such as up-down, in-out, good-evil, black-white and so on and the fact that we all have both in us and that is true, that is "Me". I say as many do that there is a third part of our being and that is the observer the "I am" the soul the essence the connection to God your part of God. Do you get it? I am here, I am everywhere and nowhere, so are you and everyone, they just don't let themselves be who they really are. This all sounds kind of weird even to me, but it is real, think about it or better yet don't think just observe from that third eye we all have, from your soul. This is where being silent and letting go of your thoughts, clearing your mind and just watching and feeling from the soul the "I am". I don't have answers for you only questions that you have to address for yourself as I am doing for myself. I strive to be closer to God. God is everything without any limit this includes us. Don't think too hard about this just let it set with you and see what opens up, you may be surprised.

See Ya Dave

Too Deep?

As an aware human being with a mind, body and soul I truly believe we are required to process all input with our critical thinking skills. We are not gifted with this trinity of being that includes mind, body and soul to abdicate our responsibility to strive to understand God. God is everything in the universe and beyond without any limit this includes us. God is in us and we are in God. We are the consciousness, experience and awareness here on Earth as part of the whole which is God. Faith is fine and good and needed, but blind dogma without thought or critical examination is completely wrong. I am saying we must understand the way our soul decides what is correct after being filtered through our body and mind. All the data and information that is put in front of us comes through other humans perspectives and biases it can never be infallible or unquestioned. This means everything all books, all religion, all myths, all historical accounts, all beliefs, all science, all we see, hear, feel, taste, experience, I mean everything must be questioned and accepted or rejected by the soul.

See Ya Dave

On With It

So nobody is reading this, as I surely know. The only time I got a huge amount of hits was for my beautiful brown labs pictures. What I say really is just drivel and the pathetic rantings of a fast becoming old man. Well I ain't giving up on me quite yet. Actually I feel like there is hope and still a little life left in me. OK take me or leave me, but I got something to give. Even if it's only to myself. What ever the hell that means. Maybe I should post some more of my dog pics and then you all might at least see this shit. I do feel much more excited about the future lately and not for any particular reason. That is good. Here's some pics of Shasta.

See Ya Dave

Not Going To Hide From It

At times it may be easier and sometimes needed, but to ignore what's going on in the world near and far is wrong and selfish. The far off tragedies or the problem across the street are part of our collective reality and need to be pondered and acted upon. I was just at a church service or meeting and there was no mention of putting out prayers to the people affected by the earthquake in Haiti, it seemed strange to me. The people look different then us and believe different then us, does that make it easier to not look at? I don't know, but I do care and I feel a deep sadness that the human connection at the souls level is missing with so many people. Any way I am praying for Haiti and will donate some money to help.

A New Year A New Me

I finally looked up the true meaning of "catharsis" and I am studying it closely. See what you think and let me know.


Catharsis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Catharsis (Ancient Greek: Κάθαρσις) is a Greek word meaning 'purification', 'purging', 'cleansing' or 'clarification.' It is derived from the infinitive verb of Ancient Greek: καθαίρειν transliterated as kathairein 'to purify, purge,' and adjective Ancient Greek: καθαρός katharos 'pure or clean.'"

See Ya Dave