The Outsider

For some reason I have always felt like the outsider, the odd man out, not part of the gig. I know it's not really true but it's how I feel, like I'm looking in at everybody and I'm just not in on it.

Now is even worse since Mary wants me out of the house I miss her and our home. It doesn't seem right to be at this point in life. Everything I thought I ever wanted is just going away and I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. I try to put on a strong face and say I'm OK, well I'm not. So I just go on day to day with no real purpose or joy it just hurts everyday. Sometimes I just want to walk off into the forest and disappear.

My knee still hurts

About a week before Sierra died she knocked me in the pool. That's right in to the pool clothes and all, shoes, wallet the whole deal. I was vacuuming the pool and she was curious and under my feet. When I fell in it was still cold but I couldn't help just laughing out loud. Nobody saw what happened and I wasn't mad at her at all. She always made me feel happy. When I got knocked in I bumped my right knee on the side of the pool coping and it hurt pretty good I even went to the doctor the next day cause I couldn't hardly walk in the morning. Well it's better now no real damage but it still hurts a little now and then and each time I think of my dear Sierra. I loved that dog.

Have you ever noticed that God and dog share the same three letters?

See Ya Dave

Here I Go Again

I'm still beating myself up over losing Sierra. I keep wondering if I'd just done something different she would still be with us. Anyway it's been a tough couple of weeks with me and Mary, my job situation and the dog. I sometimes wonder why life has got to be so hard and everyone got their load to carry. It just don't seem right. Hey I know that some people have it far worse and do I even have a right to fell sorry for myself. Well I don't care if I hurt, I hurt and that's the way it is. I'll get over it and move on but that doesn't make it any easier. At my age the job insecurity is really eating at me right now, I'm just kind of in limbo and just have to wait it out.

I am very ready for major changes in my life things like job, relationship, location pretty much everything. This doesn't mean I don't want to be with Mary it does mean I want our relationship to be very different though. I have been stalled out and procrastinating not going forward and reaching toward my potential. I worry and wait too much. The old "just do something" is in order. Well was that just about enough bitching or what.

See Ya Dave

Lost A Dear Friend

Anyone that knows me knows I am a dog lover and have always had one and had pretty good luck of them. Well Sierra was by far the best most perfect dog and now she's gone. Last night on our walk just her and I in a huge open field where we have come dozens of times she saw a jack rabbit and ran up the hill on the one side that didn't have a fence right in to the street and that was it. At this point it is just killing me and I feel so responsible and there i nothing I can do about it. The wife and I have been going through a rough time in our relationship and this sure isn't gonna help. I am just so sad my heart aches. Sierra was a big brown lab that was so well mannered and so lovable this just leaves a hole in our lives. I thank the many people that stopped to help me especially the lady in the white Land Rover with Colorado plates. I know I've got to come out of this terrible depression about this but I must morn. She was my baby and she loved me unconditionally and I will miss her forever.

A very sad See Ya Dave

I Want To Live On A Boat

For a long time now I have been wanting to live on a boat. Something like a Sea Ray 30ft or so at a marina in the Delta maybe Bethel Island or someplace close to where I live. I have been looking on CL at the boats for sale and the slips available it seems like the prices are really good right now.

So has anybody lived on a boat? What's it like over time? How about the marinas, did it feel safe? Any suggestions on type of boats or marinas? I will be staying alone and would like to go out cruising from time to time.

Any cool boat stories? Let's hear it.

See Ya Dave

A Guide For Old Guys

I'm 54 and still learning as I go. Done a lot of things both good and bad but nothing horrible. I lied to my wife about money situations out of stupid pride. I haven't been a very good family leader or at planning for the future. I have worked for 30 years, raised great kids, been faithful to my dear wife. This is not enough though, once the kids grow up and move out everything changes. I lost the motivation and day to day activity that went along with parenthood. I am not needed the way I always was before especially by my wife. Showing vulnerability is different than showing weakness or fear this is walking a tightrope and not very attractive. I don't know that I'm qualified to give advise to anyone all I can do is share my experience and see where that leads. Is this just boring drivel or is it worth looking at?

See Ya Dave

Boring, Sorry

Now I guess I am offically an "old guy on my own" it sure seems extremely boring. Work, sleep, watch TV, sit at the computer. Boring-Boring-BORING. Well I was pretty much doing this same thing back at home with Mary. I am alone by my self rather then being alone with her. I have needed my life to have some kind of meaning some purpose some excitement some goal. I know it's up to me and always has been to make it (what ever that is) happen. I have spent far too many years following and being the good little boy or at least appearing that way. I don't know how it started or when but this has held me back from striving to reach my potential. I mean at 54 I would have hoped I'd grown up and not let things that happened 40 years ago still control me from my subconcious. I just can't figure out what else it could be. I know it's all me and I won't blame anyone but myself. Well is that enough belly acheing or what, I'm embarassed.

See Ya Dave

I'm Out, See Ya

I just woke up in my new room after the first night away from Mary. I slept OK probably because I brought all my familiar stuff over computer, TV, bed even the same blankets and stuff. So it's pretty close to the house and to work that makes it easier I guess. The home owner here seems like a nice enough guy his name is Mark he's maybe a little older then me and he is going through a divorce. So I am kind of listening to what and how he is dealing with it. I may be doing that soon. Mary said yesterday she say a lawyer and if I want to put off divorce that I had to come up with a plan to deal with our problems within a week or she would file. This was the same before I left she wants me to prove something to her. I admit I haven't planned properly for our security and that I use some credit cards and didn't tell her, I know this really gets to her. I am truly sorry and believe I can make the financial thing right but she won't trust me about anything. OK I'm just rambling on here and kind of sniveling so I will stop now.

See Ya Dave

First Night Away

Well as I've been stewing about for quite awhile, I am moving out of the house today.

I got a room only a few blocks away and I don't like having to do this. I can only hope that letting go of what I want the very most will bring it back in the end. I just know that everything must change, I can't take it the way it's been for so long between Mary and myself. Now that the kids are all grown and gone we have never got a common goal or dream or anything going. I truly miss her or should I say I miss us and what we had once and I think could have still. I have not been a very good planner or leader for my family and this has shown weakness that she hates.

I have hidden my insecurity and mistakes by not being totally open and honest with my dear wife. It seems to be a catch 22 to be vulnerable and appear weak or not show my problems and be less than honest, not exactly any good choice there. I have held myself back with this fear of not being accepted if she or anybody knew the real deep down me, the weak, scared, out of control little boy treading water. Not very attractive or lovable is that picture. See Ya Dave