Made It Thruogh Christmas

Christmas has just past and the New Year fast approaches, what will this next year bring? I am hopeful and yet somewhat sceptical, it has been hard to accept what has happened financially in the past couple of years. At my age I should be thinking about retirement, but my poor planning and lack of foresight has left me kind of shell shocked. I had thought since we owned or were buying two houses and they were going up in value that by the time we got to retirement age we could sell off, downsize and live OK. Not now we owe more on the houses now and it may take 10 years to get back to even. Is it worth it? Not quite sure what to do. Lost 50% on my 401K's and who knows if my MCE shares will ever pay off in the end. So I go on to a dead end job that is very unfulfilling and barely covers my living expenses and I am thankful to have it right now. Where do I go from here? This is the constant question on my mind. My stupid pride has made me be less then truthful to my wife and has caused huge problems between us. I am not even living at my own house I am renting a room and this is another expense I can't afford. I miss having a life and having fun and working toward something. I am empty! I am ready for a complete change. I must remember there is a price to be paid for every decision and action or for that matter the lack there of.

See Ya Dave

Tough Time Of The Year

Almost everyone that knows me and my history knows why this time of year is tough for me.

I don't want to stay stuck in the past any longer. This is easy to say but my mind has something blocking me from overcoming these thought patterns. I am actively controlling my thoughts as best as I can. This is a constant battle to stay in the right frame of mind and not just let old patterns reappear. Over the years I have had good holiday seasons and also bad. My wife and children have had to deal with my mood and sometimes my need to just escape. At times I wonder how and why Mary has put up with me, she must love me. I am today fighting a very deep depression and I know that the changes in my life circumstances has a lot to do with it. I am letting everything mount up on me and it gets to feeling overwhelming. So as I go through the next few weeks I ask God and myself for some grace and patients. Have a great Christmas and holiday season and take care of yourselves, I love you all.

See Ya Dave

Am I Psyco?

Alright I don't know about you but I just love this show "Dexter". It is about as dark a premis as any show could be. I'm not going to go over what it's about or anything because if you don't know this show you just won't get it. Dexter is a metifore for every man's rage and need for control of course taken to as extreme as it can get. Anyway I love it and can identify with it. So am I sick or what?

See Ya Dave

Dave doesn't post enough!

Yeah that's me and I don't post anywhere near enough or about anything most people would be interested in. It's not that I don't have anything to say or that some of my ideas might not be a little bit interesting. I find I live in my mind too much and I get paralyzed and don't take action. I let circumstances dictate my actions rather then my actions dictating the circumstances. So there is a conundrum (I always wanted to use that word.) I am faced with here and it is me. For me to progress any further I have to get out of my way. Is this all too cliche or what? This whole blog idea is for me to get out of myself and finally start living again. I need to listen to my own ranting and raving even when it seems pretty pathetic at times. Believe it or not I am better then I used to be and getting even better. I am OK and what I do and feel matters. Listen up anyone who might stubble upon this site, thing are a changing. See Ya Dave

Suvival Mode

Taking care of the day to day stuff that needs to happen is what I'm doing. I am going to break away at some point soon and move to a better place in life. I will be unstuck and get on with living not just surviving. I am blowing it all up. See Ya Dave

I Know What I Have To Do

I'm struggling with the fact that whatever I do at this point won't satisfy my dear wife. I hate being negative all the time and I'm going to stop, that's what I have to do first. Next I need to get back to living a meaningful life. Being in limbo just sucks. The thought of giving up everything I ever thought I wanted and just hanging it all out in the wind is very scary. The thought of growing old alone is as sad as anything I could imagine. So where do I go with this?????? I just need to let it all go and that is very tough to do. Then I need to grow, as in move toward something a goal a dream anything. I am bored and boring and this is a big reason why my wife doesn't want to put up with me and why I am so down on myself. I stopped growing at several different points in my life, now it effects everything I do or don't do. I am at a stand still until I give it all up. Do I fight or give up or what is the combination that will work?????? Same old stuff and I can't stand it, sorry about that. As if anyone reads this blather anyway, I just bitch at myself. Very productive.

See Ya Dave

My Heart Is Broken

I have had high hope that my dear wife and I could get back together. I guess I'm wrong. She said she hates me and has no more love for me. Very sad. My heart is truly broken.

See Ya :-(

Life is worth saving

This past Saturday I went to a fund raising walk out at Crissy Field in San Francisco. It was one of those perfect weather days that grace SF in late Sept. and early Oct. it was glorious. Any way the walk was for suicide prevention the group was afsp.org and was pretty gut wrenching and at the same time uplifting. People that are close to me now how suicide has touched my life and my families and the ripple effect it has, and the on going questions in our minds. I have struggled for over 40 years dealing with all the emotions surrounding suicide, guilt, fear, anger, resentment and a huge battle with depression. With depression come thoughts that I hate to admit at times include just ending it all. I have made a promise to myself and my wife that I will never do this because I know better than most the repercussions of this ultimate act. This is a subject that seems to still be taboo and avoided by most people and that is a shame. I know that it touches more lives then people like to admit and the thoughts of just ending your own personal pain has crossed more minds than will ever even admit to themselves. I love life and I want nothing but the best for everyone but we all need to look into the shadows that lurk in the back of each of our minds and confront our demons. I hope this hasn't put you off and been some morbid topic that isn't worthy of contemplation. If you need help it's out there and I am here and will listen and understand, because I am you.

See Ya Dave

God and dog share the same letters

Come on leave me some comments about this beautiful dog or any dog stuff. This is finally some positive on my blog site. At least I'm not bitching about life. My hit counter shows a lot of people looking at her first picture. Here's an updated one and you can see how fast she's growing.

See Ya Dave

My dog Shasta

This is a sweet dog, she is going to be a big girl, dark brown. I swear when I'm with her I feel so much better and younger. I still miss Sierra and feel guilty about how she died and kind of like I replaced her with Shasta. I'm going to post some pics as she grows up here on my site. So at least I will be putting something positive here instead of all my negative belly aching. She is already a lot bigger then this now. See ya Dave

Not Quite Sure What To Do

I am so very tired of being negative and struggling against the world. I am so ready to just give up and take the punches. My struggles with finances, work life, purpose and my personal relationships have been ongoing for as long as I can remember. My closest relationship my dear wife Mary says she's not sure if she still loves me. This is like the most hurtful thing that has ever been said to me. I get so many mixed messages from her and do not know how to react or respond. I'm ready to just walk off into the woods and just disappear. How do I survive this and have some purpose in my life? So it seems I just have nothing but negative going on in my life and I can't get out of it. I feel like I need to do everything different even totally opposite from the ways I have done in the past. I have always worked and paid my bills, I have always been helpful and loyal to people, I've given up what I've wanted to do to go along with others and look where I have ended up! What a big waste of time and energy. Is my past worth saving? That just doesn't make any sense, the past is gone why hold on to it. Even my dreams or the way I thought things were suppose to be, just aren't anymore. I keep holding on to a complete illusion that was and will never be so I'm not quite sure what to do.

SOS Yeah That's Right

I know, I know why do I stay so stuck in the same old muck? I don't know, it just seems like I need to do everything different maybe like George Costanza on Seinfeld where everything went right when he did the exact opposite as he had always done. I hold on to the past and to the present to a fault and don't move on or up. I am slipping back and getting paralyzed and this is not good that's for sure. I feel pretty much alone in this and really can't figure out how to break this pattern that seems so destructive in my life. I go in and out of depression and can't concentrate on anything too long. I am not getting things done or moving on, so I'm at a stand still until I finally decide to just jump out of this restrictive lifestyle and go do something. Mortgages to pay, bills to pay, obligations to live up to, people to please, responsibilities that don't end, a life doing meaningless toil without worth or reward, how about that. That is my life, no wonder I crave a change. I'm sorry for being negative and I know some people will just say "Oh shit not this again." and one of them is me.

See Ya Dave

Alone In a Crowded Room

What the hell does that mean? That I have voluntarily isolated myself maybe not consciously. I am just sick of myself, I just can't get it right. I don't keep track of my money and I overspend and I overdraft my accounts. This make Mary very mad at me and she thinks I'm lying to her. I am not doing this on purpose I just lose track and don't face up to it. I am losing everything I ever thought I wanted and I feel so old and useless. Mary says I'm always negative and she doesn't want to here it or be around it. So we have been separated for quite a while, but I had hoped we were trying to get back together. Well the other day she looked at my accounts online and I had overdrafted a lot and she got really mad and told me that was it, it's over between us. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, made the wrong choices, took the wrong actions or just hid from reality and hope it would all go away or get better. It never did and now at my age where I should be starting to relax, it ain't gonna happen. So what do I do? I don't know. My day to day work and life are boring and meaningless. I struggle to keep what? I got nothing. Is that about enough negative for one rant, sorry. See Ya Dave

RAVE!!! Women........of course...

"A guy gets to ask God 3 questions.
Having been mystified by women his whole life he says, 'God? Why did you make them SO beautiful?'
To which God replies, 'So that you would like them, my son'.
'Wow! Really?' says the man. 'That is wonderful! Thank you So much!'
'Next quuestion', God says
'OK...uh...why did you make them SO SEXY?!'
'Well, that's a lot like the first question.....but the answer is........ so you would like them, my son.'
The man is beside himself with gratitude, and thanks God profusely.
'But tell me this, God.........tell me why.......WHY OH WHY!....................did you make them SO stupid?'
God says:
'So that THEY.......would like YOU..........my son'"

Reconnection Is A Must

I don't know about you but I have put up walls around my feelings. What I mean is I realize that from a very young age I learned if I didn't get too close to someone I couldn't get hurt so bad. I mean in reality it doesn't make any sense because it keeps me from the true connection that I want and need the most. I have been through a lot of therapy over the years and believe it or not I am a lot better then I used to be. That doesn't mean that I'm not still pretty screwed up but I am better. I CRAVE to reconnect and build close relationships with my wife, kids, grandkids, friends, myself and of course God. Is this a tall order? I don't think so. It will take me training my subconscious to reject my old arms length way of dealing with people especially my dear wife Mary. I study the Bible and the Tao and pray to God for strength and guidance everyday. So I opened a Facebook account and have found a lot of my family are there too and maybe it can be a way to keep the door open to each other and not get too far apart. If any of my family or friends read this I love you all and I'm so sorry for being distant and disconnected, I want to be part of your lives if you'll let me.

Love Ya Dave

Seattle Trip

Well this little get away was really spur of the moment and I got very lucky with air fare and rental car fees. I only knew about a week before that my brother was planning a party for Marilyn's 60th birthday and Bryonne's high school graduation. So I had to act fast if I was going and I did and it was great seeing them all. Time is just slipping by so damn fast and we all still bear the scars from our screwed up childhood. It really is a shame, I have done a lot of work on myself to deal with all that shit and I surely am still messed up. It is hard to see it in my brothers and sister and know some of the turmoil that must be going on inside them too. I had some really good talks with Gary, Shannon and Bobby we always seem to get pretty deep it's just hard to rehash some of that old stuff. Not having a good father model or a functioning marriage relationship to learn from has taken a toll on all of us and in similar ways too. I pray for us all that the rest of our lives will be more content and we may be able to put the past where it belongs, in the past. It was a good trip back and I kind of went looking on my own for some of the landmarks of my past, not much of it left. My old house on 123rd Pl. gone, couldn't find my grammar school or little league field, did find Cleveland HS and what's left of Dave's Drive In it's a junk lot and the HS doesn't even look like the same place. So what did I expect anyways? Well the old saying about you can never go back, well you can but it's not the same, not even close! So why do we do it and keep it in our heads like we do or at least I do? I've got no answers really other than "Be Here Now" as Ram Das wrote about some 40 years ago. I think this is a part of my catharsis and a needed reality check. The past is gone stop living there.

See Ya Dave

People That Do Stuff

You know I look around me and I see all these people doing so many different and interesting things and I say to myself why not me. Why have I held back and not just gone with a passion and done something, anything. I really enjoyed raising my kids and loved working outdoors but I've put my head down and done what I thought I was suppose to do for so long I can't seem to come out of it. I forgot what it was like to be passionate and happy heading for a goal I really wanted to accomplice and enjoyed. So this big life change is scary but exciting at the same time I am so ready for change. I may have to give up everything I ever thought I wanted just to get my self back. That same person that was once me is still here inside hidden a bit and a little worn but still here. I am waking up and in the immortal words of The Dead "I will survive". So here I go on down the road.

See Ya Dave

The Outsider

For some reason I have always felt like the outsider, the odd man out, not part of the gig. I know it's not really true but it's how I feel, like I'm looking in at everybody and I'm just not in on it.

Now is even worse since Mary wants me out of the house I miss her and our home. It doesn't seem right to be at this point in life. Everything I thought I ever wanted is just going away and I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. I try to put on a strong face and say I'm OK, well I'm not. So I just go on day to day with no real purpose or joy it just hurts everyday. Sometimes I just want to walk off into the forest and disappear.

My knee still hurts

About a week before Sierra died she knocked me in the pool. That's right in to the pool clothes and all, shoes, wallet the whole deal. I was vacuuming the pool and she was curious and under my feet. When I fell in it was still cold but I couldn't help just laughing out loud. Nobody saw what happened and I wasn't mad at her at all. She always made me feel happy. When I got knocked in I bumped my right knee on the side of the pool coping and it hurt pretty good I even went to the doctor the next day cause I couldn't hardly walk in the morning. Well it's better now no real damage but it still hurts a little now and then and each time I think of my dear Sierra. I loved that dog.

Have you ever noticed that God and dog share the same three letters?

See Ya Dave

Here I Go Again

I'm still beating myself up over losing Sierra. I keep wondering if I'd just done something different she would still be with us. Anyway it's been a tough couple of weeks with me and Mary, my job situation and the dog. I sometimes wonder why life has got to be so hard and everyone got their load to carry. It just don't seem right. Hey I know that some people have it far worse and do I even have a right to fell sorry for myself. Well I don't care if I hurt, I hurt and that's the way it is. I'll get over it and move on but that doesn't make it any easier. At my age the job insecurity is really eating at me right now, I'm just kind of in limbo and just have to wait it out.

I am very ready for major changes in my life things like job, relationship, location pretty much everything. This doesn't mean I don't want to be with Mary it does mean I want our relationship to be very different though. I have been stalled out and procrastinating not going forward and reaching toward my potential. I worry and wait too much. The old "just do something" is in order. Well was that just about enough bitching or what.

See Ya Dave

Lost A Dear Friend

Anyone that knows me knows I am a dog lover and have always had one and had pretty good luck of them. Well Sierra was by far the best most perfect dog and now she's gone. Last night on our walk just her and I in a huge open field where we have come dozens of times she saw a jack rabbit and ran up the hill on the one side that didn't have a fence right in to the street and that was it. At this point it is just killing me and I feel so responsible and there i nothing I can do about it. The wife and I have been going through a rough time in our relationship and this sure isn't gonna help. I am just so sad my heart aches. Sierra was a big brown lab that was so well mannered and so lovable this just leaves a hole in our lives. I thank the many people that stopped to help me especially the lady in the white Land Rover with Colorado plates. I know I've got to come out of this terrible depression about this but I must morn. She was my baby and she loved me unconditionally and I will miss her forever.

A very sad See Ya Dave

I Want To Live On A Boat

For a long time now I have been wanting to live on a boat. Something like a Sea Ray 30ft or so at a marina in the Delta maybe Bethel Island or someplace close to where I live. I have been looking on CL at the boats for sale and the slips available it seems like the prices are really good right now.

So has anybody lived on a boat? What's it like over time? How about the marinas, did it feel safe? Any suggestions on type of boats or marinas? I will be staying alone and would like to go out cruising from time to time.

Any cool boat stories? Let's hear it.

See Ya Dave

A Guide For Old Guys

I'm 54 and still learning as I go. Done a lot of things both good and bad but nothing horrible. I lied to my wife about money situations out of stupid pride. I haven't been a very good family leader or at planning for the future. I have worked for 30 years, raised great kids, been faithful to my dear wife. This is not enough though, once the kids grow up and move out everything changes. I lost the motivation and day to day activity that went along with parenthood. I am not needed the way I always was before especially by my wife. Showing vulnerability is different than showing weakness or fear this is walking a tightrope and not very attractive. I don't know that I'm qualified to give advise to anyone all I can do is share my experience and see where that leads. Is this just boring drivel or is it worth looking at?

See Ya Dave

Boring, Sorry

Now I guess I am offically an "old guy on my own" it sure seems extremely boring. Work, sleep, watch TV, sit at the computer. Boring-Boring-BORING. Well I was pretty much doing this same thing back at home with Mary. I am alone by my self rather then being alone with her. I have needed my life to have some kind of meaning some purpose some excitement some goal. I know it's up to me and always has been to make it (what ever that is) happen. I have spent far too many years following and being the good little boy or at least appearing that way. I don't know how it started or when but this has held me back from striving to reach my potential. I mean at 54 I would have hoped I'd grown up and not let things that happened 40 years ago still control me from my subconcious. I just can't figure out what else it could be. I know it's all me and I won't blame anyone but myself. Well is that enough belly acheing or what, I'm embarassed.

See Ya Dave

I'm Out, See Ya

I just woke up in my new room after the first night away from Mary. I slept OK probably because I brought all my familiar stuff over computer, TV, bed even the same blankets and stuff. So it's pretty close to the house and to work that makes it easier I guess. The home owner here seems like a nice enough guy his name is Mark he's maybe a little older then me and he is going through a divorce. So I am kind of listening to what and how he is dealing with it. I may be doing that soon. Mary said yesterday she say a lawyer and if I want to put off divorce that I had to come up with a plan to deal with our problems within a week or she would file. This was the same before I left she wants me to prove something to her. I admit I haven't planned properly for our security and that I use some credit cards and didn't tell her, I know this really gets to her. I am truly sorry and believe I can make the financial thing right but she won't trust me about anything. OK I'm just rambling on here and kind of sniveling so I will stop now.

See Ya Dave

First Night Away

Well as I've been stewing about for quite awhile, I am moving out of the house today.

I got a room only a few blocks away and I don't like having to do this. I can only hope that letting go of what I want the very most will bring it back in the end. I just know that everything must change, I can't take it the way it's been for so long between Mary and myself. Now that the kids are all grown and gone we have never got a common goal or dream or anything going. I truly miss her or should I say I miss us and what we had once and I think could have still. I have not been a very good planner or leader for my family and this has shown weakness that she hates.

I have hidden my insecurity and mistakes by not being totally open and honest with my dear wife. It seems to be a catch 22 to be vulnerable and appear weak or not show my problems and be less than honest, not exactly any good choice there. I have held myself back with this fear of not being accepted if she or anybody knew the real deep down me, the weak, scared, out of control little boy treading water. Not very attractive or lovable is that picture. See Ya Dave

Opening Up to the World

Here I am at 54 and feeling like a kid still, inside I'm not much different then I was 30 years ago.

This is a problem of my own making and something I have hidden from for all those years. I went through the expected motions, yet I now I have stifled my true potential. I don't think it is ever too late to pick up the pieces and build a new. It is a bit harder as you get older because you get set in your ways and complacent or lazy is a better word for it. I have never been much of a planner and this has affected every aspect of my life and relationships and the way I feel about myself. So at this point, as at many others in my life I am being forced to change and to plan and I can and will do just that. It is interesting that it take a crisis situation for me to get it and move and grow. I have always heard that you must "must let go of what you want most" or you will never truly experience it to it's fullest. So I take that to mean all of it. When you cling to anything it is likely to be ripped from your hands. So to accept what comes my way and head in the direction of my desires with out being obsessed with any certain outcome seem to be the key. Also to engage people and relationships and learning without giving in to your fears, insecurities or above all expectations is the way I want to go. This is easier to say and write than it is to do and first off it does pose some very real risk and vulnerability. See Ya Dave

The change would have to come

Well the biggest part of a Mid Life Catharsis is change, like it or not it will bowl you over if you ignore it. So as I have stayed in my illusion of a life for the past several years I have done just that, stuck my head in the sand and hoped for the best. Well without any plan and without me making strategic changes I am now forced to make drastic and unplanned major life changes. My dear wife of almost 29 years and I are finally splitting up. We have both known for years that we would need to do something to fix us, but not really having a clue as to what. So maybe if we separate and work on each of ourselves we can at some point in the future come back together.
I am just really tired and stuck at a dead end of my own making. So now is the time to get on with it and grow and learn, this will be good for us both. I can and will hope me dear wife and I can be together again. I miss her and us.

See Ya Dave

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